If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
