I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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