the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just want to make out with him forever
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
