if only i could text you this smell
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
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I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
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I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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