fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?