Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
