Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
