I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
