I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
