I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My breasts were aching with rage.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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