I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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