its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
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The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
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When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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