If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
