I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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