I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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