i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
