My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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