Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
