The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
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I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
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I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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