I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
