don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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