I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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