I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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