Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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