You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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