we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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