worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
