If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
