Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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