11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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