she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
