Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
