Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
