There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Floor bacon is actually really good
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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