we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
