I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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