If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just found a bag of teeth...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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