god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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