I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
