Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize