Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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