On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
