just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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