At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
