i was born a porn star she said
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
