Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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