Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
