Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
