Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
