so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
This baby is an asshole
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
