I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
