I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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