My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
What a dumb baby whore.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
