I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
