I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
